Thursday, April 05, 2012

Meant to be

How do I even start this post?  I debated saying anything at all on here - but this is about my life right?  Gotta take the good with the bad...

Fact is, hubs and I recently became members of a club we never wanted to join.  A club with MANY members.  We are no exception.  There are no rules. 

We got a positive pregnancy test 4 days after our tenth wedding anniversary at the end of January. We were so excited, we took test after test and proceeded to tell the whole family...our coworkers, our close friends...our son who loved to talk about being a "big brother".

But at 10 weeks, we had to say goodbye.  It was alot harder then I expected.  Both emotionally and physically.

For a little while we got to think about holding a tiny new little version of us

For a little while I ate ice cold fruit like a maniac just like I did when I was pregnant with adam

For a little while we got to walk past the ultrasound pictures and smile

For a little while we tossed around baby names (and vetoed most of each others picks)

For a little while Adam would talk about his baby brother CONVINCED it was a boy and tell me all the things we needed, like a car seat...and "he'll sleep in my bed with me!"...

For a little while I was exhausted and found myself dozing on the couch in the middle of the afternoon while Adam watched tv

For a little while I was thrilled not to have any morning sickness and thought Adam was probably right about it being a boy

For a little while, I felt very fragile and precarious about being pregnant....and then had an ultrasound and found a silent, motionless screen where there used to be a promising little flutter.

Call it a mother's intuition.  I just knew.

For a little while I couldn't decide whether to let it happen naturally or get a D & C...but then my body decided for me and I canceled my appointment

In hindsight...I wish I'd gotten the D & C after all because THAT was an awful experience. 

For a little while we were pregnant...and now we're not.

We are sad.  For many reasons.  Mostly the thought of what could have been.

I cry every time Adam talks about the baby that "went away".  He asks questions why, and I have to honestly say "I don't know".  He says he really wanted a baby brother and he is sad too.

Damn that hurts.

October 20th is going to be a date I will remember due date.  I'm not sure why, but I just know that 30 years from now, I will still remember that date.

The stories that have poured out of friends and the realization of just how many women have been through this.  They all remember.

Women are so strong.  

There is no way around it - the whole thing just sucks.   I know there are bigger reasons, and it was meant to be, etc, etc, etc....

It still sucks.

So we buck up and we put the ultrasound pictures away and we repack the maternity clothes and the baby name book, and we go to work and go about our daily tasks and we keep busy and we move on.

And now I want a margarita...or two...or five.


Kelly said...

(((HUGS))) I felt so sad reading your post! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how hard that was for you and your family. I'm thinking about you!

Joanna said...

Big hugs to all of you. What an incredibly difficult experience.... I'm thinking about you and lifting you and your family up in prayer .

k said...

Oh. I am crying.

From the bottom of my heart, I am so very sorry.

Anonymous said...

love you!! <3 Ash

Mamma Homemaker said...

It's one of those milestones in life that will never be forgotten. We can move on, but we will never forget. After all the baby was there, the baby was alive and it lived inside you. Don't give up. We've been trying to conceive for over 2 years. It will eventually happen! Come visit me sometime:

Kaci Mae said...

You just told me that my post was the best ever, and I had wanted to tell you that your post here was one of the best, too...but for totally different reasons, and I wish it didn't have to be so! Thank you for explaining how it feels so simply and honestly, it really communicated volumes. I hope you are not feeling too down and blue...and on a different note, I really enjoyed the pictures of your home decorating!

Amanda said...

Hugs to you my friend. I love you. xoxo Amanda