Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A birthday story..

So last night, hubster was watching Deadwood in the living room, and I was watching Kill Reality in the office...and I decided to go through some of our paperwork and throw away and shred some things. I came across a HUGE box of cards that I'd saved for whatever reason. Cards from family, cards from each other, letters from friends, things like that.
I came across an American Greetings birthday card that I remember purchasing, not FOR anyone - but because it was by far the strangest and quirkiest birthday card I've ever read. I've decided to post it here for your reading pleasure.

The front of the card says:

Celebrating a birthday
can be a blast if you use a little
imagination and keep an open mind.
Picture this:
Prior to picking you up for an
evening out, I stop at the store.
There I purchase a bag of jelly beans,
a roll of Necco wafers, a bunch of
medium-sized inflated rubber balls,
some pantyhose, a purple magic marker,
a gun, an etch-a-sketch, a four-pack
of toilet paper and some hollow point
bullets. (by the way, the gun was applied
for five days earlier, as requiered by law,
and the toilet paper is for my place...
I seem to go through the stuff like
water...but none of this is germane
to our story.)
I pull up to your place in my car,
(which I've painted to resemble the duke
boys' general lee) thrust my hand into
the bag of jelly beans on the front seat,
grab a half-dozen or so, step out onto
the street and start whippin' 'em at
your windows. I go and get some more
out of the car and begin wingin' jelly
beans across the street, onto the roof of
your neighbors place. They roll down into
the gutter, making an awful racket.
and now the fun begins....
and then you open the card and it says:
Have a seat....you'll enjoy this.
By this time, you're at the front door, screamin' something about what the hell am I doing? and am I crazy? and I yell, "yeah!...crazy like a beaver, I am!!" Before long we're in the car heading across town, laughing like a couple of Ed McMahons,on our way to get our hair done. (I offered. My treat.You said, "why the hell not, it's my birthday!") the only drawback is the long drive, and you don't hesitate to complain about it. This is when I reach for the Etch-A-Sketch."Here!.. went to Niagara Falls with one of these babies when I was a kid...they're better than drugs!" Forty-five minutes later we come to a stop on an overpass spanning the interstate. I pull over on the shoulder and ask you to get out of the car. I start to get out myself, when you ask me to look at your drawing of Oprah and I say "Looks more like JFK..." and you say "that's because of the equator." and I pause, because I don't know what the hell that means. I pop open the trunk, and as you stroll around back, you remark about all the rubber balls. I grab a ball, take the purple magic marker from my pocket, and write, "I see you when you're sleeping, and I know when you're awake" on the ball, then toss it into the onrushing traffic below the bridge. Handing the marker to you, with a "It's your turn" look on my face, you swipe the pen, scoop up a ball, and scribble "property of Enola Gay" on it before launching the sphere into the path of oncoming automobiles. Now...you wanna talk about fun? We fall to our knees with laughter, watching the antics of these desperate drivers and their pie-eyed passengers as they jerk their cars back and forth trying to avoid those bouncing beauties. Some time passes as the ensuing messages on the balls become more and more elaborate, before being set free over the highway. This is when the cops show up. It's a high-speed chase with roadblocks and choppers, taking hours...nevertheless, we lose 'em, and end up in the basement of an old church. You know the one. This is where I tell you to take the pantyhose off of your head. (You'd put it on to mask your identity when the camera crew flew up alongside of us in the helicopter during our getaway.) Anyways...A priest walks in on us as we're collecting our thoughts and says, "What're you two doin' here?"...Have I seen you before?" I nudge you, and hand you a white Necco wafer, and you understand my plan immediately. Slipping the candy onto my tongue,
and here is an arrow pointing to the back of the card (of course the entire inside of the card was filled with wording from the story) and says:
I answer him. "Yeth, Padre, you know uth...
we got communion from you." and he sees
the white disc and says, softly "oh...I see..."
and he turns to leave us, but suddenly
whirls around, brandishing a shotgun.
Spitting out the candy, I whip out my handgun.
The Priest stares, aghast, at the wafer on
the ground. "You, my friend, are going to
wish you hadn't done that," he sneers.
Then I grin back, "You feelin' tough enough
to go toe-to-toe with Mr. Hollow Point?"
and you yell "Hey! This ain't right! I ain't even
been sung to yet!" Bewildered, the priest
looks at me, and I explain that it's your birthday.
He pulls a pitch pipe from his vestments,
blows a high "C", and arm-in-arm, we launch
into a rollicking version of the birthday song,
Leaving you weeping with joy.
Now, is that not the oddest birthday card ever??
No room to write anything...just one big, weird story...LOVE.IT.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Tiny weirdo..

I snapped this picture of Tiny. Of course he totally looks like he was licking some unmentionables, but he really didn't. He just SAT there like this for a good while. It must have been comfortable to him, but doesn't it look strange?

Good weekend..

This weekend was nice. On Friday night, we ended up at my parents house so I could help them hook up their new computer...and halleluiah they are FINALLY ONLINE. We hung out with them for a while, had some good food - and headed home. Saturday, I slept in until around 10am...caught up on some taped tv shows and proceeded to do as little as possible until mark came home. We headed to AJ and CC's to hang out with them and the kids and to eat dinner. It was really great to have some playtime with the kids and some quality time with my brother and CC. We then went home and watched a couple episodes of The Sopranos, since we love that show and we're trying to get ourselves caught up. We went to bed really late and woke up late the next morning. Lounged around the house reading and being generally lazy, and then headed to SLO to meet up with my parents for the movie Cinderella Man...which was FANTASTIC.
After that, we hit up Applebee's for some appetizers and dessert (half off appetizers during happy hour! wooo!) and then home.
All in all, a great weekend since we got to catch up with family that we hadn't seen in a while (even though we all live in the same town) and also very relaxing and nice. Of course we didn't get a darn thing done around the house, but sometimes it's nice to just be lazy together :)
If there's one thing we're good at, it's lounging and lazying. We might as well enjoy it while we don't have kids eh?

As Promised...

Pictures of the Hornet's Home! Luckily, they weren't hanging around, so I was able to get in close and take some good pictures:

Isn't it cool lookin? Like a chinese lantern!

Friday, July 22, 2005

My hubby the Metro...

Soooo yesterday evening...Doug and I took a little trip to my local hairdresser. She has her very own salon with nobody else there, so it's very personal and you don't have to be embarrassed if...say...you're a guy....and you want to...oh, I don't know...get your EYEBROWS WAXED.

Now, I have to say...we didn't want to completely shape and sculpt them...we just wanted to clean them up a little. It was far too big of a job for my little tweezers, and usually at about 10 hairs in, he screams and says "no more! no more!" - so waxing it is...

Hubster before:

Hubster during:

And Hubster AFTER! (like I said, just shaped up a little...so as not to look like a drag queen):


He did SO well, and did not even make a PEEP during the entire procedure. My hairdresser even complimented him on being such a good customer. But when we got into the car, he goes "you know, I was once hit by a 450 pound Samoan guy....and that didn't hurt NEARLY as much as this whole waxing thing - it took EVERYTHING I HAD to not scream like a little girl"

HAHAHA - now that's funny right there, I don't care who you are.

After his suffering, we went to a local restaurant and ate fish tacos - where I also met a sexy pirate:

He told me I could take a peek, so I did...

We also met a one-legged bird during our meal...

We kept feeding him oyster crackers because we felt sorry for him - but we learned later, that he hangs out there all the time, and most likely gets fed all the time

It was so nice out last night that we decided to take a walk on the pier and we met yet, ANOTHER bird. I said "strike a pose" and he turned his head to his GOOD side...like this:

It was a nice end to an interesting evening....

Monday, July 18, 2005

Movie Mishap...

Okay, so despite the fact that we didn't care for the movie...
I thought I'd share some funny things that happened:

First of all, we were in line getting popcorn and a soda and noticed that they have COMBOS now - we chose the one that was 1 large popcorn and two medium drinks. Except that we realized it was $14.95...and so we decided to share one medium popcorn and one medium drink instead. So the pimply kid behind the counter says "you can upgrade to a large on both items for 50 cents"
and we said "great!"
We got the register and said "we got an upgraded #2!"
$10.95 - a GIGANTIC tub of popcorn - and a 2 foot tall cherry coke later, we were on our way into the theater...
We sat down and I put the soda in the cup holder...and started laughing because I swear the thing was so big, it practically blocked my view of the movie screen. I was terrified that I would knock it over...it was so tall that you couldn't take it out of the cupholder and drink it - you had to leave it in the cupholder and just lean over and sip out of the straw. We actually had to RAISE our head to get the straw in our mouth...it was that tall.
So anyway - we were waiting for the movie to start, and munching on popcorn and sipping on soda and hubster started laughing and said "dang, this popcorn is SALTY...I'm gonna be so bloated by the time I get out of here"
and I said "no kidding, I'm gonna go into diabetic shock from all this coke"
and he goes "yeah, so we'll both be found right here bloated and comatose after the movie - and when we wake up and people ask us what happened, we'll cry "WE UPGRADED!"
we crack ourselves up...
So then, a couple of teenage lovebirds squished in and sat right next to me and started yakking it up and giggling and nuzzling each other throughout the previews...the movie began and they still wouldn't shut up - so I got up and moved the other side of hubster which was right on the aisle.
I had smuggled some fundip candy into the theatre. You know, the kind that comes with two candy sticks and 3 flavors of sugar (think pixy stick substance) to dip into?
So I broke off one stick and handed it to hubster, and I took the other one and held the sugar packets in my hand, so that we could share.
In the meantime, another teenage kid comes and sits by himself at the seat right in front of me.
I was dipping the candy stick into the sugar and a piece of the stick broke off and flew out of my hand...it hit the seat in front of hubster...ricocheted off the seat and hit the kid in front of me square in the temple!
I swear, I watched in slow motion as the peice of candy bounced off his head and came to rest on a stair in the aisle.
He obviously thought it came from someone to the side and started looking around and shaking his head to make sure nothing was stuck in his hair...meanwhile, I was laughing SO hard and trying not to make ANY noise whatsoever, which is nearly impossible when you're laughing that hard. Hubster notices me laughing and goes "what happened to your stick?" which only makes me laugh harder....
I'm sure I looked as if I was having a seizure or something - and hubster had no idea what was going on - he was holding onto the giant soda and looking at me with bug eyes. I tried to whisper in his ear what had happened - but I gave up when he kept saying "what? what happened to your stick?"
which only made me laugh harder...

I eventually got ahold of myself and was able to watch the movie without any more mishaps. But when I was finally able to explain to hubster what had happened, he just looked at me and goes "I can't take you anywhere, can I?"


Charlie spoilers...

So, yesterday...hubster and I went to the movies to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We walked out of there wishing we had our 2 hours and our 12 bucks back. Seriously, it was THAT bad. It totally ticks me off how much they messed up the remake. I know it's supposed to be more like the book - but the movie was some good stuff and they totally blew it.
First of all, Depp was downright creepy. Now, I'm sure he was supposed to play it a certain way...and he DID do a good job, acting-wise. But the person who decided that he should play it that way was off his rocker. He was like Michael Jackson creepy...with the wierd voice and the wierd face...and the RUBBER GLOVES. EW
Secondly, the oompa-loompas. WHAT THE HECK WERE THEY ALL ABOUT? They were even creepier than Wonka...and the music sucked donkeys.
They left a TON of things out...like slugworth, hello? wasn't he like a major part of the movie, and especially the end? and what about the burping scene with charlie and grandpa joe?
They also switched people around, and changed the story line of the previous movie so much that it really irritated me....

the first Willy Wonka was a feel-good movie...

but the remake was depressing and wierd and a waste of my money.

They didn't even play the oompa-loompa SONG...


Last night, it was about 11:30pm and hubster and I were in bed talking when we heard two loud gunshots. We both stopped mid-sentence and looked at each other because I swear they sounded like they came from our backyard. Hubster turned the light off and we both stood on the bed and looked out the windows of our bedroom into our neighbor's yard. We couldn't see anything, so we laid back down and listened to see if we could hear sirens or a car leaving in a hurry or anything of that nature.
I was so on edge that every noise those cats made, I felt like crawling out of my skin and hiding under the bed.
Hubster and I got up and checked both doors and all the windows. It really freaked us out - mainly because it was so CLOSE.
I got up this morning and immediately drove around the neighborhood looking for yellow tape on someone's house...and yet, everything looked normal. I also checked the news and the paper this morning and couldn't find a darn thing. Must have been someone just messing around - but DARN if it didn't scare the crap out of me. We live in a really small town and a very quiet neighborhood. It's not normal to hear gunshots like that, especially gunshots that sound like they're coming from our own backyard.
I slept like CRAP - tossed and turned all night and swore that I kept hearing noises...
paranoid much?

Friday, July 15, 2005


I've been messing with this site a bit, trying to figure out how it all works...and I have yet to post any pictures...so here goes...

This is our oldest cat Tweak:
He was kinda pissed when I took this picture because I interrupted his 13th nap of the day. He's the Patriarch of all 3 cats and the one who's been with me for the last 6 years - BEFORE hubster. Very calm and protective and PATIENT. If he's hungry, he will just sit by his food bowl until one of us happens to walk by and notice him. He's great with kids, and he has his moments where he turns back into a kitten with his playful side. He doesn't like people who are scared of him (he's HUGE) and like to antagonize our friends and family with his staring intimidation tactics. He's my buddy and will always cuddle with me as long as hubster and the other cats are nowhere to be found.

And this our middle cat Jackson:

He's kind of the red-headed stepchild of the bunch. He originally belonged to our neighbor, but decided he liked us better...and before we knew it he was sleeping in our bed and standing on our chest at 4:30am whining for some kitty lovin. He has since turned into a total daddy's boy and whines and cries and paces on the bed whenever hubster is getting ready to leave for work. He also sits in the window waiting for him to come home, and I always know when hubster is home because I'll hear the loud Jackson whine. I swear he's saying "Daddy! My DADDY! oh boy, oh boy my daddy's home!". He is a big cuddler and his favorite thing to do is take a nap with hubster during the daytime.

And finally, we have TINY:
He has mastered the art of being "The Baby" of the family and is spoiled beyond belief. He is a major mama's boy, and will whine and cry until I pick him up and put him on my shoulder, where he'll immediately start purring. I swear, sometimes it's like having a baby who doesn't want to be put down. He's very curious and HATES when doors are closed anywhere in the house. He also loves furry mice and for some reason likes to drown them in the water bowl. I'm telling you, every day we find a different furry mouse in either the food bowl or the water bowl. He is very playful, and yet a very good cuddler (only with mama) and both hubster and I think that no matter how old he gets, he's always be The Baby.

So there you have it - introduction to our 3 "kids"...hope this whole picture posting thing works the way I want it to :)

Follow up on June Entry...

I found out that the nest at my parents is not a yellow jacket nest...it's a hornets nest. And pretty much the only way to get rid of it is to spray insecticide directly into the opening and hope that you either kill them all, or that you're a fast runner.
OR - you can just wait until wintertime when they desert the nest...sounds like they'll probably just wait.
My mom is avoiding that side of the house like the plague, and they've shut gates and stuff so my neices can't get back there. I can just see one of my neices throwing rocks at that thing...HEE! They call it "the Bee's House"
Next time I'm up there, I'm taking a picture - I swear!

Quirks of a hubster

Hubster has one DISTINCT quirk at bedtime.
He cannot and will not sleep if the blankets are not perfectly laid across the bed. No wrinkling, or tangled blankets allowed.
Now...I am a mover and a shaker when I'm sleeping. I'm constantly tossing and turning and putting my feet in and out of the blankets...sometimes one entire leg will be out and slung over hubster...I move constantly...and the blankets have a tendency to get a bit...well...messed up...twisted...in completed disarray - however you want to call it.
So, last night, I was already in bed and hubster crawled in next to me. The blankets were okay, but they weren't perfect...and he was tossing and turning behind me...and I started giggling. He goes "what?"
and I kept on giggling...right about the time that he started kicking his legs wildly trying to smooth the blankets without having to get out of bed.
Again he grunts "WHAT?"
and I said "in about 2.7 seconds your going to be out of bed and redoing the blankets on this bed"
and he goes "no, no...I got it"
and again starts kicking his legs wildly trying to fix the blankets...

About 1.5 seconds later he is up and out of bed and taking all the blankets off and putting them all back nice and smooth.

I just laid there laughing at him...

and yet, he got into bed and fell fast asleep once the blankets were fixed...he even started snoring in the middle of us talking...
I swear, smooth blankets are like valium to him - I've never met anyone who can fall asleep so fast.

That is, as long as the blankets aren't messed up.