Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A birthday story..

So last night, hubster was watching Deadwood in the living room, and I was watching Kill Reality in the office...and I decided to go through some of our paperwork and throw away and shred some things. I came across a HUGE box of cards that I'd saved for whatever reason. Cards from family, cards from each other, letters from friends, things like that.
I came across an American Greetings birthday card that I remember purchasing, not FOR anyone - but because it was by far the strangest and quirkiest birthday card I've ever read. I've decided to post it here for your reading pleasure.

The front of the card says:

Celebrating a birthday
can be a blast if you use a little
imagination and keep an open mind.
Picture this:
Prior to picking you up for an
evening out, I stop at the store.
There I purchase a bag of jelly beans,
a roll of Necco wafers, a bunch of
medium-sized inflated rubber balls,
some pantyhose, a purple magic marker,
a gun, an etch-a-sketch, a four-pack
of toilet paper and some hollow point
bullets. (by the way, the gun was applied
for five days earlier, as requiered by law,
and the toilet paper is for my place...
I seem to go through the stuff like
water...but none of this is germane
to our story.)
I pull up to your place in my car,
(which I've painted to resemble the duke
boys' general lee) thrust my hand into
the bag of jelly beans on the front seat,
grab a half-dozen or so, step out onto
the street and start whippin' 'em at
your windows. I go and get some more
out of the car and begin wingin' jelly
beans across the street, onto the roof of
your neighbors place. They roll down into
the gutter, making an awful racket.
and now the fun begins....
and then you open the card and it says:
Have a seat....you'll enjoy this.
By this time, you're at the front door, screamin' something about what the hell am I doing? and am I crazy? and I yell, "yeah!...crazy like a beaver, I am!!" Before long we're in the car heading across town, laughing like a couple of Ed McMahons,on our way to get our hair done. (I offered. My treat.You said, "why the hell not, it's my birthday!") the only drawback is the long drive, and you don't hesitate to complain about it. This is when I reach for the Etch-A-Sketch."Here!.. went to Niagara Falls with one of these babies when I was a kid...they're better than drugs!" Forty-five minutes later we come to a stop on an overpass spanning the interstate. I pull over on the shoulder and ask you to get out of the car. I start to get out myself, when you ask me to look at your drawing of Oprah and I say "Looks more like JFK..." and you say "that's because of the equator." and I pause, because I don't know what the hell that means. I pop open the trunk, and as you stroll around back, you remark about all the rubber balls. I grab a ball, take the purple magic marker from my pocket, and write, "I see you when you're sleeping, and I know when you're awake" on the ball, then toss it into the onrushing traffic below the bridge. Handing the marker to you, with a "It's your turn" look on my face, you swipe the pen, scoop up a ball, and scribble "property of Enola Gay" on it before launching the sphere into the path of oncoming automobiles. Now...you wanna talk about fun? We fall to our knees with laughter, watching the antics of these desperate drivers and their pie-eyed passengers as they jerk their cars back and forth trying to avoid those bouncing beauties. Some time passes as the ensuing messages on the balls become more and more elaborate, before being set free over the highway. This is when the cops show up. It's a high-speed chase with roadblocks and choppers, taking hours...nevertheless, we lose 'em, and end up in the basement of an old church. You know the one. This is where I tell you to take the pantyhose off of your head. (You'd put it on to mask your identity when the camera crew flew up alongside of us in the helicopter during our getaway.) Anyways...A priest walks in on us as we're collecting our thoughts and says, "What're you two doin' here?"...Have I seen you before?" I nudge you, and hand you a white Necco wafer, and you understand my plan immediately. Slipping the candy onto my tongue,
and here is an arrow pointing to the back of the card (of course the entire inside of the card was filled with wording from the story) and says:
I answer him. "Yeth, Padre, you know uth...
we got communion from you." and he sees
the white disc and says, softly "oh...I see..."
and he turns to leave us, but suddenly
whirls around, brandishing a shotgun.
Spitting out the candy, I whip out my handgun.
The Priest stares, aghast, at the wafer on
the ground. "You, my friend, are going to
wish you hadn't done that," he sneers.
Then I grin back, "You feelin' tough enough
to go toe-to-toe with Mr. Hollow Point?"
and you yell "Hey! This ain't right! I ain't even
been sung to yet!" Bewildered, the priest
looks at me, and I explain that it's your birthday.
He pulls a pitch pipe from his vestments,
blows a high "C", and arm-in-arm, we launch
into a rollicking version of the birthday song,
Leaving you weeping with joy.
Now, is that not the oddest birthday card ever??
No room to write anything...just one big, weird story...LOVE.IT.

4 comments:

Amanda said...

Ok - that is flippin WACKED! If I got that birthday card I'd call the loony police.

t said...

I am soooooo glad that someone else wrote a comment first.....I agree, totally wacked! It must have been old, back when Quentin Tarrantino wrote for Hallmark!

Rob said...

Years after this has been posted.. hah.

I was actually given this card years ago for a birthday. It was absolutely brilliant and entertaining, and has stuck as being my most favorite birthday card ever gotten.

Kristyn said...

So I had this card too, still do in fact. I was describing it to a friend, so I thought I'd Google: Oprah, Necco wafers, and a Priest. It led me to your website. Thanks for posting it.