Monday, December 13, 2004


So, hubster and I had the kidlets for Friday night and Saturday. Friday night was great...other than a few run-ins with Abby over wearing the seatbelt on her carseat, "It's too tight!" she screams...and we tell her she has to wear it or we're pulling over..."It's too tight!" she screams over and over...and then the fake choking ensues. Incidentally, EVERYTHING is "too tight" - her clothes, the blankets, the seatbelt...if she doesn't like it - it's TOO TIGHT. We've gotten very good at ignoring the screaming and choking, so has Keester. Anyway, we took them to the store because we promised to make cookies...and then we stopped by the video store because we promised movies (we are only put on this earth to spoil the neices, donchaknow?) and on the way home, we drove into a cul-de-sac that every year is completely over done with the decorations. I'm talking, these people must have to rent several storage sheds for all the decorative crap they have for their house...and I'm telling you, it was all up before Thanksgiving - scary.
So as we're rounding the corner, the kids start screaming "SANTA!!!" (just picture the ELF movie type of santa screaming) and we notice that there is a real live santa clause sitting in a giant red chair in the middle of the driveway of this garrish house. "SANTA! SANTA!"
So we park and take the kidlets up to the house and Abby immediately goes and sits on Santa's knee. She is holding a yellow bouncy ball because she had talked aunty (me, the sucka) into giving them each a quarter to put in the "ball machine" at the video store. Santa asks her what she wants for Christmas and she looks and him and goes "a bouncy ball" - and he looks at her hand and says "but you already have a bouncy what else would you like for Christmas little one?" and she looks at him and opens and closes her mouth...and then she goes "ummmm, a bouncy ball"
I'm giggling madly and taking pictures and after two more "bouncy ball" responses - Santa gives up and let's Keester have a try. Keester hears Santa's question about what she wants, and looks at me and in a loud whisper says "aunty, what am I supposed to say?"
and I tell her to ask for a toy she's been wanting, and she again loudly whispers "but aunty, I don't remember what I wanted!"
I'm still giggling at this point because these kids are cracking me up...and hubster is standing behind me trying to wrestle the candycane out of Abby's little hand because they haven't eaten dinner yet.
Anyway - we cruise around the house and check out all the movable creatures and lights and it's all very cool. We go home and eat dinner and watch movies and take a bath - with TONS of bubbles (because what's a bath without bubbles?) and keep them up WAY past their bedtime...and finally put them both to bed, where Keester falls asleep practically the minute her head hit the pillow - and Abby stays up talking to herself for the next hour. Hubster and I were standing at the door with our faces pressed up against it, listening to her babbling on and on - it was pretty damn funny.
They both slept until 8am, WOOHOOOOOOO! (see? keep the kids up late, they SLEEP LATE! Love it)
I made mickey mouse pancakes (go aunty!) and we watched Saturday morning cartoons and got dressed and headed off to the park.
The first park was declared "boring" after about 15 minutes...and Keester had already gone down the slide and soaked up all the morning dew with her blue jeans - thus causing her to walk bowlegged, and double her weight. So we got into the car and headed to a different park...a school! With 3 (count em, 3!) playgrounds. After skipping the first playground because there were 3 men in gas masks spraying for weeds, and after explaining to the girls that those men in masks were not "bad guys" - we got back into the car and drove to the other side where the playgrounds were on sand. The gate was open so I figured "what the heck?" and drove right on through it and up to the playground equipment. Keester promptly climbed all over a metal dinosaur shaped jungle gym and was so proud of herself for climbing the WHOLE thing that she dismounted and stood up, only to slam her head (with a loud THONK!) right into the dinosaur's giant metal head.
That kid has the hardest head on the planet because she stood up and said "ouch" and proceeded over to the swings without even flinching. Meanwhile, I'm standing there almost in tears because the SOUND HURT ME.
While I'm standing there, a teacher DRIVES up in his car and tells me that nobody is supposed to drive onto this part of the playground...and I looked at him pointedly and said "huh, nobody eh?" and he called me a smart ass and told me to move my car to outside the gate. He was really rude about it...but I did as I was told because the kids were watching...
After playing for a bit Abby declared that she was thirsty, so we set off to find a fountain - and as she's taking a drink, she looks at me and shouts "I'M PEEING!" and I look down to find a stream of pee running out of her pants and onto the sidewalk...and Keester is laughing. I strip the child down and say "okay girls, gotta go!"
Luckily, I had a plastic bag and a towel in the car...whew! who says I'm not prepared?
So we get home, and I start running the bath for Abby - and while I'm getting a towel out of the cupboard, I hear an "Aunty, I had a accident" - only it's from KEESTER, and she's peed right onto the I run over and grab the cushion and strip it - luckily, nothing soaked through to the pad underneath...Kee informs me that she didn't mean to, and she was busy watching cartoons, and forgot she had to go...ay-yi-yi. Both girls into the bath now!
Since their clothes are all thrashed (kee's were still wet and sandy from the slide incident) I throw them into the washer and put them into a couple of giant t-shirts which makes them look like my very own set of goblins running around the house.
We head outside to the grass in the front yard to attempt an art project involving plaster of paris which in restrospect was NOT a good idea...and after Abby spilled an entire bottle of bubbles into her shirt and was scooping the bubbles up with her hands and trying to make a "grown up bubble"...I took her into the house to change her shirt and de-bubble her arms and legs. Just as I get her into a fresh t-shirt, I hear AJ and CC pull up. I had forgotten that I said I would take their family picture (along with the dog) down at the beach when they came to pick up the kids...
I was explaining to CC why their clothes were in the wash, when we hear this horrible groaning and howling coming from the family room. I drop everything and dash into the family room - only to find Abby had brought the dog into the house, and he was taking a serious beating from my cat who was up on both legs and boxing the dog's head. I grab the dog and run outside,
After from panicking from CC and the girls, AJ and I looked the dog over and notice that he must have gotten scratched in the eye, but he truly seems fact he's wagging his tail and looking at us like "hey, wanna play? can we play now? I wanna play!"
AJ is trying to calm CC down, and I'm trying to calm the kids down - and the psycho-territorial bitch-slapping cat is standing at the screen growling...
So after everything calms down, CC decides to go home to get clothes for the kids to wear for pictures and after she leaves, AJ is outside trying to fix some $1 store bubble maker thing....and I'm transferring the clothes to the dryer and I hear Keester shout from the living room "aunty, abby's getting in trouble!"
and I sigh and find her in the bedroom with a bottle of my foundation make up in her hand...OH LORD HELP ME...
I look behind her and see make up spilled all over our sheets, all over the floor (which she had walked through and tramped all over..thank God we have wood floors) and somehow had gotten little specks all over our dresser, the walls, and the door to the bathroom...she must have gotten it on her hand and then shook her hand.... So I proceed to reprimand her and make her go tell her Dad what she just did and grab a crapload of baby wipes to get it all up off the floor and my furniture. AJ walks in and looks at me and goes "what the heck is wrong with my child?".
I go to throw the wipes in the trash and notice that my cat (who is still growling and stomping around the house) is licking water from a bowl that is filled with water-logged dry cat food. I pull Abby into the kitchen and ask her if she did it and she goes "but see, then they can eat and drink at the same time!"
So help me, I laughed...even though by this time I was somewhat FRUSTRATED and just wanted my nice quiet house back.
I go to check the clothes and notice that all their NEW clothes have been dyed blue. Crimony. I'm wanting to put my head down and cry at this point - how am I ever going to be able to handle motherhood without some seriously good drugs??? Xanax anyone?
At this point, I hear the hubster come in the front door....He hears a strange dog barking for attention from the back yard, sees a pissed off cat stomping around and growling, sees a couch cushion missing and stripped, sees makeup all over our sheets in the bedroom, sees arts and craft stuff all over the lawn, sees the cat's water bowl full of puffed up food, and sees ME hold an armload of blue clothing with tears in my eyes, and he goes "hmmm, bad day?"
I said "if you even THINK about complaining about work today - I'm taking the car keys and leaving you with these children ALONE because you HAVE NO IDEA"
Thankfully, CC came back with clothes, we got everyone dressed and wrestled their hair into semi-submission and I headed to the beach with them to take family pictures. They had brought a fake christmas tree to decorate and be part of the picture. Beach + Christmas Tree = well as a dog wearing a santa hat and antlers...
Finally it was time for picture taking...and I'm just gonna say that trying to get 2 kids and a dog wearing antlers to all look at the camera at the same time - it's a total crapshoot.
I went home and sat on the couch and didn't move for about 5 hours when I then fell asleep. Sunday, we didn't do a darn thing.
I'm still tired from Saturday - and truly hoping that not every day is like that when you're a mom - otherwise, I think hubster might have to find a new wife who's more willing to put herself through that kind of torment.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Holy crap! What a fuckin day! hahaha
Poor Aunty
At least now I remember why I stopped babysitting....