Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Birthing Class Stories - Episode 1

Allrighty...so we had our first birthing class experience - and it was interesting.
If I had to venture a guess, I'd say we're probably the oldest ones in the class - which is kinda scary. There is one other couple who MIGHT be close to our age, but it's hard to tell.
So the first thing we see upon walking in the room is that up on the board, there is a list of questions - name, due date, dr's name, job title, etc, etc. - It was like the first day of school when you have to stand up and say your name and one word that describes you or some crap like that. I HATE that...
So she goes around the room and asks each couple each question, as well as what type of labor you plan on having (natural or drugs) and what your feelings are about labor.
Everyone is being so sweet about it and saying things like "well, we're really trying for a natural birth...and we're really excited and anticipating this day...maybe a little nervous - but more so excited and can't wait!"
There were a couple of people who admitted they were a bit anxious - but they would add on how thrilled and excited they were and it was all very sweet and nice.
When she got us though - Hubs said "well...as far as the drugs go - BRING EM ON- for both of us!". Some people laughed - some didn't. I'm not sure if they know that we're totally serious about that. I don't see the point of being uncomfortable if I don't have to be. Course I know, it might not work out the way I think - but I'm all for taking drugs, and have no actual intention of purposefully going without.
When he answered how he was feeling about labor, his response was "blllllggggghhhhhh!" and my response was "as far as labor is concerned...I'm not even gonna lie - I'm scared to death!"
and the instructor was nodding her head and going "ooookay, allright...well we'll try to help you with that - have you ever seen a real birth before?"
and I said "yes, yes I have - but I'm not sure that helped - I think it just scared the crap outta me"
So basically, already our answers were pretty bold compared to everyone else's. I personally think that out of the 12 couples in that class, I can't possibly be the only one who's terrified of shooting a kid out of my vagina - so they're a buncha liars...but whatever.
We're all within just a few weeks of each other, and everyone is a totally different shape so it's kinda funny to look around the room at all these pregnant women in one place. There is one couple there who can't be more than 18...and not only did she not know the name of her doctor - but she also didn't know how many weeks she was ("I only know months" she said...which is flippin WEIRD) and also when asked if they'd chosen a pediatrician - they didn't seem to know what that was. Very odd. I worry for the future.

Anyway - so here we start out being the only ones who admitted to wanting drugs and being completely freaked out...and we're the only ones who don't know what we're having, which apparantly is more unusual than I first thought. We're also the only ones who won't be breastfeeding (I have medical reasons people...don't bug me - I would if I could) and we're the only ones with a doctor who has a porno sounding last name...So yeah, feeling a weeeee bit like the outcasts already.
The thing I can't stand about the class is that we have to sit on these hard ass chairs for 2 hours...NOT COMFORTABLE. Oh yeah, and we watched a video of a mexican woman giving birth in her tub at home. They didn't show a whole lot because she was in the tub - so no up close crotch shots or anything, but after it was over, I looked over and hubs eyeballs were popping out of his head and he leaned over and whispered loudly "Hey...do you think it's too late to change our mind?"
Ummm, ya think?
The instructor was full of information about dialating and effacing and she busted out a baby and a pelvis to show us how that all goes down - at one point she pulled off the baby's head...which cracked me up cause she just yanked it off.....then she pulled out this weird sock looking thing what was supposed to mimic a uterus...and proceeded to squeeze the baby's head through the sock hole. I couldn't help it - I was cracking up! (yes, I'm 12 years old) There's just something really jacked up about seeing a fake baby head coming out of a striped blue sock....call me crazy.

I'm kinda wondering if this class is going to make me feel better about the whole labor thing - or if it's just going to freak me out even more. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

7 comments:

Joanna said...

I seriously need to meet you IRL. Your post just made tears of laughter run down my face.

You're SO RIGHT ON with your perception of the class. Just wait till the whole 'meditation' part comes into play. My husband just could NOT do it. He finally got up and left the room.

Picture this, our teacher's name was BUFFY (um, okay). She was fully granola. I ended up liking her, but in the beginning she sorta weirded me out.

My favorite part of the class was seeing all the different sized belloies. It made me feel better that there was always at least one person bigger than me, selfish and irrelevant, I know.

I agree, I think the videos scared me more than they helped. Especially to see some of those 'bushes' I mean, really they're called PRIVATE parts for a reason, blech!

K said...

oh dude, Joanna - BUFFY IS OUR INSTRUCTOR!!! hahaha - I kinda like her, if only because she makes me laugh.

Amanda said...

lmao - sounds like you got a class with a bunch of squares. Keep crackin the jokes in there K. Who cares what they think.
holy moly you guys have the same instructor!

samantha jo campen said...

OMG I *so* can't wait to start our classes, just for the stories we'll be able to tell!

And Buffy? Seriously?

That's just not right.

Anonymous said...

Hubs chiming in again, Granola is a good description of Buffy . But Granola with breast milk is better.

Kelly said...

Dude, I fully agree with you on the drugs. Too bad I was convinced I was having c/s and didn't really focus on the "real" births. Um, yeah, delivered the first one with two freaking Tylenol in my system since they didn't believe I was in labor. Right... good thing she was only 2lbs cuz it HURT like hell without drugs! The other was c/s. Best of both worlds I suppose.

Oh, the meditation. Seriously can't wait for the post on that one! I even had a hard time staying focused and not laughing!

Joanna said...

Okay 'granola with breast milk' is hilarious! Seriously, wait till she shows you the video of the lady in Brazil that squats to give birth, I mean literally squats down like she's peeing in the forest....um, hello- I think I'll pass.
You'd think that since she was from Brazil she'd have participated in the whole 'brazilian bikini wax', yeah not so much.
I can't wait for the future installments of your birthing classes.